高圆圆：我也渴望一场像世界上最具影响力女性那样传奇的越狱

文/柏邦妮

她坐在化妆镜前，穿着白色小礼服。用一条黑色大围巾，轻柔地裹住，恰到好处，让我误以为，那条围巾是礼服的一部分。她不喜欢梳得很死很僵的发型，希望自然一点，再自然一点。她知道自己要什么。

拍照的时候，她轻微转侧面庞，角度给得准确而微妙。在外人看来，也许毫无变化，但是在镜头里，那一细微的一毫米，就是“好看”到“完美”的距离。摄影师为她着迷，不断的呓语“漂亮漂亮漂亮”，就像男人情动时刻的催眠。她们状态是一个成人的状态，享受这份恭维，此时此刻愿意相信。这一种相信是一种配合，你知道，在她们心里，与这份沉浸有一段距离。她们知道自己该给什么。

拍照结束，她穿回自己的衣服。一件大大的灰色毛衣，肘弯处起了毛球。头发全部梳起来，有一块新伤，从做家常菜时不小心烫下来的痕迹。蓝色牛仔裤，一双绑带旧皮靴。她弯下腰去，将鞋带太长在脚腕处多绕了一圈才系得上。

当她们弄完这些，在你面前又回到多年前你认识的那个女孩儿。那时候，她乖巧地坐在我面前，一双脏球鞋仿佛一个被提问的学生，而全程举着录音笔。晚上，我们继续电话访问，因为信号不好，她维持着同一个姿势，一动不动地讲了一个多小时。她们知道自己原来是谁，现在是谁。

她们是高圆圆，这个时代最美好的女演员之一，有的人只是美丽，而有的人美好。而有的人有魅力，有的人有人格，但是同时有人格魅力的人们并不多。高圆圆正是其中之一。

高圆圆自述：

“我从来没有那种自信，一种从容自如、游刃有余的心理。”

“我从来没有那种自信：从容自如、游刃有余。”

“我不是那么勇敢，那么倔强。”

“我害怕自由，我害怕选择，我害怕创造。”

“我曾经害怕创造，因为需要能力。”

“I once feared creation because I needed the ability.”

她的不自信来自于：“我觉得自己知识还不够丰富，内心不够强大，然后我觉得我不够放松，不够有趣，不够……”

"I have always been afraid of freedom, afraid of choice, and afraid of creation."

包括很久以来：“I have always thought that being a star is something to be ashamed of. Although I have enjoyed it for many years, when I return to my life, I still feel guilty."

"Maybe it's because I was born into a conservative family. There were many years before me had my brother. My parents were already middle-aged when they gave birth to me. They gave me a lot of freedom and very little praise."

"High school was the first time I appeared in an advertisement. In school, suddenly everyone knew who I was. Everywhere there was hostility."

"In high school, you're surrounded by girls all day long; everything is so sensitive; everywhere there are enemies waiting for you."

"When did we get this way? When did we become like this?"

"When did we become so sensitive? So hostile?"

"The more changeless things are around us," she said quietly, "the more our hearts ache."

She looked at her hands again and said softly: "If only one day could last forever... If only one moment could never end..."

"Why do people fear change?" she asked herself.

"Why are people afraid of change?"