我身体里的大毛怪：

你好啊。

不知道从什么时候开始，你就一直在我身体里。你否认也没有用，我知道你一直在。

我不是一开始就知道你在那里。两岁前，我没啥个体意识，没啥感情，没啥审美，没啥记忆，没名，没利，没关系，没有涉足江湖，没有和其他小屁孩儿不一样的习惯，只要困了睡，不饿吃，不渴喝，一直到睡得美、吃得爽、喝得舒服，就乐；得到不了就哭；哭也得到不了，就忘了。在一个无意识的层次，与佛无限接近。现在想起来，小孩儿也可怜，但虽然和佛接近，全无力量，被大人摆布。我在机场见过小孩儿死命哭，要妈妈买巧克力，妈妈终于买了巧克力，小孩儿哭得更厉害了，因为妈妈打开包装自己把巧克力当着小孩儿面吃光了。我和我很小的外甥同挤一个电梯，他比我膝盖高不了多少，小脑袋从下面顶着我的眼，我忍不住放了一個缓慢的不响的臭屁，我感觉他的小手一直死命推我，但是死活推不开。

两岁之后，我开始会说话，用眼睛乱看，用耳朵随时倾听。我估计是从那时候开始，你醒来了，你开始生长，一刻不停。

偶尔想，其实，在我会说话之前，即使是在出生之前，你就在了。你是老天派来卧底的。这议题太深，以后再说。

如果和其他人比，你成熟得比其他人身体里的大毛怪晚。高中之前，我看书上学睡觉食蔬饮水三年不窥园，有些差别之心事物只有品类之分，没有贵贱之分，比如，那时候，我知道运动鞋与凉鞋有区别，但是不知道运动鞋还有耐克与双星的区别。那时候，在北京分明四季里，我用同样的心情听见白杨树四季不同的声音，是很幸福的时候。

在我的记忆里，有三个阶段，你疯狂生长，如雨后春笋、如万科盖楼，这三个阶段过后，你都明白了，都成了大毛怪。

疯长第一个阶段是高中。我开始意识到美丑，不再让我爸给我剃平头，把眼睛遮起来，还偷穿哥哥夹克衫穿着的时候耳朵基本听不到老师讲课，只听到你这个大毛怪高喊：“今天穿了一件帅气夹克衫。”I begin to realize the difference between men and women, suddenly I find that girls are more beautiful than boys, some girls are even more beautiful than others. Boys think the same way about these special girls. If my inner big hairy monster likes Xi Shi, other boys' inner big hairy monsters like Dong Shi. I sleep with Xi Shi while they sleep with Dong Shi, everyone is happy in this world of peace.

Screaming at the thought of how you're making this world a complicated place!

The second phase of your rapid growth was after university. Almost graduated from college, no longer had national employment guarantee for graduates every person's school performance differed GRE GMAT scores differed parents differed future prospects also differed but none of the teachers made any simple explanations or transmissions as if it were a secret known only to them.

The third phase began when I was thirty years old. After medical school and MBA graduation started full-time work at McKinsey consulting company three decades later published my first novel but didn't treat it as a major event that night writing seemed like a long winter night process rich in images chaotic but finished felt done then went back to bed dawn arrived time for early morning flight continued working.

This full-time job was management consulting basically helping clients figure things out say things clear push change forward Guess small hundred years ago those founding partners designed internal operational systems within their own companies probably also considered characteristics of their own inner big hairy monsters designing an operating system presenting warmth and cruelty in nature experienced consultants teach newbies without reserve half-yearly evaluation twice-yearly elimination rate fifty percent left only three among original thirty people who entered company either voluntarily left or passively eliminated two years later.

Occasionally wonder where you reside inside me brain heart blood? Your rhythm differs from mine wake up when I'm awake fall asleep when I'm asleep your opportunities multiply during my waking hours This dream cycle repeats itself despite publishing five novels still dreamt of taking exams especially writing exams occasionally get right occasionally wake up from dreams before finishing math exams mostly can't finish mostly wake up before starting meetings always late phone dead or can't find contacts always wake up before ending meetings

These three dreams alternate appearances despite publishing five novels still dreaming about taking exams especially writing exams despite leading countless meetings still dreaming about leading meetings From these dreams know you've gone awry like a potted plant seemingly complete actually defective seemingly beautiful actually twisted You've disrupted my happiness You're a big hairy monster inside me Always remember I'll tease you Unknown whether in endless future years will be extinction or coexistence Or will we both meet our end together Or live peacefully forever Feel as if if could completely eliminate you would reach another level close to Buddha